Years ago when I was quite religious and young and learning in
the Faith of Christ.
Like a wild animal caught and having to be tamed and trained.
Egypt was inside. My mind was wild, unruly.
At the time, a single parent with three young children who
were close in years. Struggling to support them and stay on the
path that GOD had put me on. It was't easy.
I saw many fellow single parents struggle in the same way as myself
trying to make ends meet with the minimal allowance allotted to us by
the state. I can't remember how much it was, but it wasn't enough to have the high life
thats for sure.
It was enough to put some food on the table. Second hand clothing, the odd cheap bargain
from one of the indian bazaars. You really had to juggle the pennies and stretch a pound
note as far as you could. Like a rubber band tauting as far as it could go.
t
The no name brands were my best friends. Second hand stores were a common visitations.
We ate. I managed to pay most of my bills. It was sometimes almost like walking on a
tight rope over Niagara Falls. Having to sacrifice this bill
to pay off that bill...and hoping that the utilities companies would not
come hounding you for their payments with the threats of cut off.
Praise GOD for His mercies and strength.
If it weren't for His kindness and mercies. I know that I would've caved in.
I have had times that I just wanted to throw my hands up in the air; and the temptation to
drop my kids off at some home and go back to a life of fun. It was there.
Even ....sit in my kitchen..turn on the gas oven and go to sleep. Never to wake up.
Forget this whole thing ever happened.
I am not going to lie about it. I wanted to forget my pain, hide my face away and pretend
this
whole thing was a nightmare. And I was going to wake up back in Trinidad..in the sun.
Drinking a Carib beer and not having a care.That was my existence before.
Doing whatever I wanted, and whatever I liked.
What's it all for?
Why me?
Why me?
God, don't you care?
He holds me together. Restraining. I am encased and protected by a hedge. Knowing, I had
the free will to chose to cross that line. But deep down, I knew if I did. I would lose
Him. I knew deep down.
Sure there are those that believe you cannot lose your salvation. Jesus will never leave you.
True. He doesn't. But there is a line ....a line of no return. A line where you know
better, you know the truth. And if you cross it. Its almost like an invisible 'cutting off'.
He will always still love us. But He has also given us the gift of free will to either
choose Him, His life...the cost. Bear our own cross's. Or go back to Egypt. He loved the
Egyptians. Sure. But He still had to judge them for their wickedness and sin and idolatry.
I knew better. I couldn't cross that line. I didn't want to. Neither did I want to find out
how far I can push the envelope with Him. It isn't and wasn't worth finding out.
I think He was holding me even then with that kind of 'fear'.
I remember there were times that I would look at my cupboards and all there was
a can of beans, an onion...half a bag of flour...dried peas.
How am I going to make it?
Sometimes I had maybe 50 pence to my name till next withdrawal payment...which was
days away.
The children needed this and that..
bus fare to the play group or kindergarten. How am I going to make it, Lord?
Bus fare, or another plate of food on the table.
I fret for a while. Well, I am still human.
It was difficult not to feel, well why not just give in and do the same as my
single parent friends that seemed to don't give a crap...
I knew some were supporting themselves by other 'means'.
Prostitution. It was very common. Not unheard of. But unspoken of.
One girl, I won't speak her name here. But she had less income than myself.
One child. But her apartment was plush and carpeted. Kitchen well equipped and
refridgerator was packed with all the kinds of delicacies.
I envied her.
I had more in my hands from the state.
But I used to wonder how is she doing it?
Then I knew...prostitution.
I couldn't prove it at the time. Till later on. When I moved to another location in
Croydon. Another housing estate. Made friends with another single parent across the
corridor who lived in similar luxuries.
Men were coming and going. All hours.
Oh Lord, why couldn't I have the guts to do the same thing and ease my financial struggles.
Here I am struggling to do the right thing and I am catching my ass from one week to another
and they are living it up. It looked easy to do.
Many tears flowed as I cried to the Saviour of when would it all end?
When would I have a break from the toil and struggles.
Do I have to be reminded day to day of my lewdness and the lack of self control and reaping what I sowed.
I was in a prison of my own doing. But of His permitting.
Can you stand looking at yourself in the mirror the next day?
Can you carry on the pretence like they did?
Walk the tight rope and risk it all...but for what?
A plate of food?
A bill paid?
And torment and guilt in the mind.
A dirty wedding dress.
Do you want to make your Saviour sad?
Remember those early days when you got saved, and you had to learn what was right and
what was wrong through His word?
Having sex with all and sundry and then the next day, go into church.
It was like ...every eye saw what you did!
Writhing in the church seat.
Very uncomfortable.
Conviction is not easy to handle.
It was like Jesus was looking through pastor's beady piercing eyes.
ugh!
There is always a price to pay to faith walk and do the right thing.
Going upstream against the flow. Everyone else is racing downstream at full speed.
With every effort of strength and determination...invisible hands grasp you and pull
onwards...and don't look back. Don't turn back and be like Lot's wife
and become a pillar of salt.
One glance back
Its not worth it.
My wilderness years were tough; the children of Israel in the wilderness.
Had enough manna for just that day.
Tomorrow, will be enough manna.
Real soldiers sleep with their armour on. I had to learn that through experience.
One eye closed, the other opened.
Years later, children are grown and getting on with getting on.
What have I got out of it all?
I can say this in all honesty. Sure there were a few times; I slacked up...it gets lonely
sometimes being mother, father, domestic engineer. Counsellor, security guard to three kids on
your own. I wont wish it on anyone. But He held me together. Really, He did.
I still have my dignity as a woman.
I am no man's slut or mistress.
I wasn't bought for one night..and my name is not known on the street corner called,
Easy.
I am not bitter, it did take a while to drain out the anger and bitterness of those years.
Now I see it was all turned round for my good.
I have learnt many lessons. Many adventures in the Lord.
I learned that He is faithful and always was with me.Even when it seemed He was far away.
He was there.
My Jehovah Sham mah and Shalom.My Provider and Healer.
My Saviour and I are still walking together. Hand in hand.
I still hear Him and He still speaks gently and kindly to me.
As for some of the fellow single parents that I knew back in the day.
Three are now dead. All died young. Lives suddenly cut short violently.
I had outlived them. I was preserved.
I don't know where they are now...
My journey of faith continues....He is still with me.
the Faith of Christ.
Like a wild animal caught and having to be tamed and trained.
Egypt was inside. My mind was wild, unruly.
At the time, a single parent with three young children who
were close in years. Struggling to support them and stay on the
path that GOD had put me on. It was't easy.
I saw many fellow single parents struggle in the same way as myself
trying to make ends meet with the minimal allowance allotted to us by
the state. I can't remember how much it was, but it wasn't enough to have the high life
thats for sure.
It was enough to put some food on the table. Second hand clothing, the odd cheap bargain
from one of the indian bazaars. You really had to juggle the pennies and stretch a pound
note as far as you could. Like a rubber band tauting as far as it could go.
t
The no name brands were my best friends. Second hand stores were a common visitations.
We ate. I managed to pay most of my bills. It was sometimes almost like walking on a
tight rope over Niagara Falls. Having to sacrifice this bill
to pay off that bill...and hoping that the utilities companies would not
come hounding you for their payments with the threats of cut off.
Praise GOD for His mercies and strength.
If it weren't for His kindness and mercies. I know that I would've caved in.
I have had times that I just wanted to throw my hands up in the air; and the temptation to
drop my kids off at some home and go back to a life of fun. It was there.
Even ....sit in my kitchen..turn on the gas oven and go to sleep. Never to wake up.
Forget this whole thing ever happened.
I am not going to lie about it. I wanted to forget my pain, hide my face away and pretend
this
whole thing was a nightmare. And I was going to wake up back in Trinidad..in the sun.
Drinking a Carib beer and not having a care.That was my existence before.
Doing whatever I wanted, and whatever I liked.
What's it all for?
Why me?
Why me?
God, don't you care?
He holds me together. Restraining. I am encased and protected by a hedge. Knowing, I had
the free will to chose to cross that line. But deep down, I knew if I did. I would lose
Him. I knew deep down.
Sure there are those that believe you cannot lose your salvation. Jesus will never leave you.
True. He doesn't. But there is a line ....a line of no return. A line where you know
better, you know the truth. And if you cross it. Its almost like an invisible 'cutting off'.
He will always still love us. But He has also given us the gift of free will to either
choose Him, His life...the cost. Bear our own cross's. Or go back to Egypt. He loved the
Egyptians. Sure. But He still had to judge them for their wickedness and sin and idolatry.
I knew better. I couldn't cross that line. I didn't want to. Neither did I want to find out
how far I can push the envelope with Him. It isn't and wasn't worth finding out.
I think He was holding me even then with that kind of 'fear'.
I remember there were times that I would look at my cupboards and all there was
a can of beans, an onion...half a bag of flour...dried peas.
How am I going to make it?
Sometimes I had maybe 50 pence to my name till next withdrawal payment...which was
days away.
The children needed this and that..
bus fare to the play group or kindergarten. How am I going to make it, Lord?
Bus fare, or another plate of food on the table.
I fret for a while. Well, I am still human.
It was difficult not to feel, well why not just give in and do the same as my
single parent friends that seemed to don't give a crap...
I knew some were supporting themselves by other 'means'.
Prostitution. It was very common. Not unheard of. But unspoken of.
One girl, I won't speak her name here. But she had less income than myself.
One child. But her apartment was plush and carpeted. Kitchen well equipped and
refridgerator was packed with all the kinds of delicacies.
I envied her.
I had more in my hands from the state.
But I used to wonder how is she doing it?
Then I knew...prostitution.
I couldn't prove it at the time. Till later on. When I moved to another location in
Croydon. Another housing estate. Made friends with another single parent across the
corridor who lived in similar luxuries.
Men were coming and going. All hours.
Oh Lord, why couldn't I have the guts to do the same thing and ease my financial struggles.
Here I am struggling to do the right thing and I am catching my ass from one week to another
and they are living it up. It looked easy to do.
Many tears flowed as I cried to the Saviour of when would it all end?
When would I have a break from the toil and struggles.
Do I have to be reminded day to day of my lewdness and the lack of self control and reaping what I sowed.
I was in a prison of my own doing. But of His permitting.
Can you stand looking at yourself in the mirror the next day?
Can you carry on the pretence like they did?
Walk the tight rope and risk it all...but for what?
A plate of food?
A bill paid?
And torment and guilt in the mind.
A dirty wedding dress.
Do you want to make your Saviour sad?
Remember those early days when you got saved, and you had to learn what was right and
what was wrong through His word?
Having sex with all and sundry and then the next day, go into church.
It was like ...every eye saw what you did!
Writhing in the church seat.
Very uncomfortable.
Conviction is not easy to handle.
It was like Jesus was looking through pastor's beady piercing eyes.
ugh!
There is always a price to pay to faith walk and do the right thing.
Going upstream against the flow. Everyone else is racing downstream at full speed.
With every effort of strength and determination...invisible hands grasp you and pull
onwards...and don't look back. Don't turn back and be like Lot's wife
and become a pillar of salt.
One glance back
Its not worth it.
My wilderness years were tough; the children of Israel in the wilderness.
Had enough manna for just that day.
Tomorrow, will be enough manna.
Real soldiers sleep with their armour on. I had to learn that through experience.
One eye closed, the other opened.
Years later, children are grown and getting on with getting on.
What have I got out of it all?
I can say this in all honesty. Sure there were a few times; I slacked up...it gets lonely
sometimes being mother, father, domestic engineer. Counsellor, security guard to three kids on
your own. I wont wish it on anyone. But He held me together. Really, He did.
I still have my dignity as a woman.
I am no man's slut or mistress.
I wasn't bought for one night..and my name is not known on the street corner called,
Easy.
I am not bitter, it did take a while to drain out the anger and bitterness of those years.
Now I see it was all turned round for my good.
I have learnt many lessons. Many adventures in the Lord.
I learned that He is faithful and always was with me.Even when it seemed He was far away.
He was there.
My Jehovah Sham mah and Shalom.My Provider and Healer.
My Saviour and I are still walking together. Hand in hand.
I still hear Him and He still speaks gently and kindly to me.
As for some of the fellow single parents that I knew back in the day.
Three are now dead. All died young. Lives suddenly cut short violently.
I had outlived them. I was preserved.
I don't know where they are now...
My journey of faith continues....He is still with me.
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